


A Measure of Salvation

by Morgane (smilla840)



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Rough Sex, Set immediately after the season 3 finale (which should explain the Major Character Death tag)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-14
Updated: 2012-07-14
Packaged: 2017-11-09 23:09:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/459514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smilla840/pseuds/Morgane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lee isn't dealing well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Measure of Salvation

**Author's Note:**

> Written for rounds_of_kink. The prompt was "Desperation in all things" and the kink "vulnerability".
> 
> Spoilers for the end of season 3 (hence the character death tag).

Kara is dead.

It’s been close to four hours now, four hours Helo had to spend at his station because that’s what soldiers do even when their friends are dying around them. But no more. He’s off duty, and there is nothing stopping him from punching a wall if he wants to. And he does.

Because Kara is… gone. She won’t be coming back. And all Helo feels is numb. Oh, he’s sure he’ll be angry later on, and that he’ll grieve, but for now the main emotion clouding his mind is disbelief. 

It doesn’t feel real. He keeps expecting Kara to show up around a corner, laughing and throwing a playful punch at him for thinking she could ever get shot down. She’s invincible, doesn’t he know that?

But then Helo remembers Lee screaming her name and he knows it really happened. And he knows he’s got to find Lee.

So he tells Sharon he’ll be back in the morning, and gets an understanding nod in return. Gods, he loves his wife. Later on, he’ll share his grief with her, but not yet. It’s too soon, too raw.

Lee, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to want to be found. Helo’s tried his quarters, the rec room, the mess, the bar and so far all he’s found is Anders, drinking himself into a stupor. And he is getting worried because he doesn’t have that many friends and Kara is _gone_ so where the frak is Apollo?!

He finally finds him sitting on the floor next to Kara’s bunk, looking blankly at the wall, and something twists in his chest. Lee is still wearing his jumpsuit, and it looks like he just sat there and hasn’t moved since.

And Helo can’t leave him like that. He gets inside the room, and closes the door behind him.

\---

Lee doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting here. A couple of pilots stumbled upon him at some point, but since then they’re all staying the hell away. Which suits him just fine.

He has conversations with Kara in his head. Dozens and dozens, in which he manages to talk her out of it, makes her turn her viper around. They go back to the Galactica together and laugh about it and everything is just fine. Except it didn’t happen like that. He failed, and Kara’s gone. And he wants it to stop, wants to stop going over it, wants the voices to _shut up_ instead of reminding over and over again that he could have done a better job. Could have brought her back with him.

When the door grinds open he doesn’t look up, ignoring whoever is stepping into the room. Telling them to frak off seems like a waste of energy, and they’ll leave soon enough anyway. Everybody leaves.

But that someone doesn’t, and Lee reluctantly looks up.

Helo.

He should have guessed. No one else would have dared.

Lee opens his mouth to tell him… something – he isn’t really sure what, maybe an apology or something that will drive the man away – but the words don’t come and Helo kneels next to him, working on the straps of his jumpsuit. The action is familiar, although it usually occurs with teasing and laughter. Not this time, Helo’s movements slow and weary, and Lee wants to tell him not to bother.

He’s not worth it. Kara is dead. It’s his fault. It _hurts_. And he just wants to stop thinking.

Then again, Helo can be one hell of a stubborn son of a bitch and he doesn’t think it’ll work. And Lee can’t decide whether he’s grateful for that or not.

Helo pulls him up to get the rest of the suit off and Lee sways, his muscles stiff from remaining locked in the same position for hours, but Helo steadies him and Lee kisses him.

It’s not a conscious decision, nor a very rational one, but once Lee’s started he can’t stop. He needs this. Needs the closeness, the familiarity, needs to feel _something_ other than this sense of failure, and he knows Helo won’t deny him this – might even need it just as much. And he does.

It’s not long before they’re a tangle of limbs on the floor and Lee tries to ignore the fact that Helo got the lube from Kara’s bunk.

Then he’s on his hands and knees, pushing impatiently against Helo’s fingers, and then Helo’s cock is right there and –

Lee shoves himself back and can’t quite bite back a shout. Frak, that hurts. But that’s what he wants. That’s what he _needs_ , otherwise he fears the grief will eat him alive. At least that way, he doesn’t have to think.

“Frak! What do you think –”

Whatever Helo is going to say Lee doesn’t want to hear it so he shoves himself back again, taking more of Helo’s cock, and it hurts like a motherfrakker but that’s good because now he can’t hear Kara’s voice in his head anymore.

“Lee, stop. Stop!” Helo’s hands are on his hips trying to slow him down and Lee struggles against him, not wanting to stop. What’s wrong with the guy? Can’t he just shut the frak up and just frak him already?

But then Helo sits back on his knees and takes Lee with him, pulling him on his lap and keeping him still with an arm around his chest and a hand on his hip.

“You will not use me to hurt yourself, are we clear?” he pants in his ear and the grief in his voice is just as present as it is in Lee’s head, except Lee doesn’t want to hear it.

He growls and fights against the hold Helo has on him, tries to forcefully move but Helo isn’t letting him. Won’t. He takes all the anger and despair and insanity Lee has to give and doesn’t give any back, and when the realization finally filters through Lee’s grief-stricken brain he stops struggling, both exhausted and resigned.

The reprieve was short but it was nice while it lasted. Soon, he’ll go back to conversing with Kara in his head, but that’s okay too. It’s his penance, and he deserves it. How could he ever think otherwise?

Helo’s hold goes from restrictive to comforting when he surrenders and Lee wants to cry. Kara is – was Helo’s friend, how can he not see it’s Lee’s fault she’s gone? Because he couldn’t reach her, couldn’t make her change her mind. Wasn’t good enough. Never had been.

Lee starts struggling again, except this time it’s because he just wants to leave, hide, get away from here, from _him_ , until he can bottle up everything. He feels too raw, too open, and he can’t – he can’t –

But Helo isn’t letting him do that either.

“Let me go, damn it!” Lee orders, except it comes across as a plea, with his voice breaking in the middle, and frak he will _not_ cry. But Kara is telling him it’s okay, _‘just let me go’_ , and Lee feels himself falling, falling until –

“No,” Helo answers simply, and moves the hand on Lee’s chest down, down until he reaches Lee’s cock and starts stroking it.

Lee makes a strangled sound, instinctively thrusting into it. He can feel Helo’s cock in his ass, lengthening and growing back to full hardness, filling him, and it hurts a little because Helo is so frakking huge and his ass is already sore, but Helo’s hand on his cock is enough to distract him.

Then Helo rolls his hips just right, and Lee can’t stop a surprised gasp from being ripped from his lips.

“There you go,” Helo says against his ear and the puff of warm air makes Lee shiver. “This is supposed to feel good.” He twists his hips up again and Lee bites down on his lower lip to stop himself from begging for it. “Does it feel good, Lee?”

His next thrust is harder and Lee’s head falls back, his mouth open in a silent scream. He can’t hear Kara anymore, can’t hear anything except the pounding of his heartbeat in his ears and Helo’s harsh breathing and this is it. This is what he was looking for.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Helo says, and starts frakking him in earnest. And frak, that’s good. Part of him still insists it shouldn’t, that he deserves to be punished and hurt, but he tells it to go frak itself. Just to spite it he tries to move with Helo but the position is awkward and he keeps getting it wrong, breaking the rhythm Helo has established. It’s getting frustrating and Helo seems to get it because he pushes Lee on his hands and knees and goes with him.

Now Lee can push back into Helo’s thrusts and the way Helo’s larger frame cradles him completely makes him feel oddly… safe. Protected. Almost cherished, and the lump in his throat is back, making it hard to breathe. His vision blurs and he thumps on the floor with his fist, trying to swallow it down again, but he can’t, he _can’t_ and the next thing he knows he is coming and sobbing, feeling Helo tense behind him as he finds his own release, and he Can’t. Stop. Crying.

Then Helo is gone and Lee wants him back. Because as much as he doesn’t want anyone to see him like this, being alone is even worse. He needs to have _something_ in this mess that makes sense and as insane as it may sound right now Helo is it.

But Helo isn’t gone, he’s right there, pulling him up and onto Kara’s bunk. It smells just like her too, but then Helo is pulling him back against him and the scent of sweat and sex overpowers everything.

And Lee gives up. Gives in. He lets the tears come, lets the grief pour out of him, unconcerned with what others will think of him for once. There is no one here but Helo anyway, and Helo isn’t the kind of man to think less of him for this. So he lets the other man be his anchor in the storm.

And cries.

Helo isn’t letting go. And for now that’s the only thing that makes sense.

\---

Lee goes limp, passed out or asleep at last, and Helo keeps the man close. His own tears are still running unchecked on his face but he isn’t ashamed of them. Lee was, and Helo hopes that he’ll come to see that there is no need to be. Distractedly he thinks they both need a shower but that can wait for now. Lee needs the rest and so does he. And he doesn’t give a frak if anyone walks in on them like that.

Kara is gone. 

There is nothing he can do to change that.

But at least, he can pick up the pieces and stop Lee from self-destructing.

He thinks Kara would have liked that.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted at my livejournal.


End file.
